Runner’s Envy

"I run because I used to be envious of people that could run, and now I am that person."
Kendra Thompson, Everyday Runner

I completely relate. I come from a family of runners. My childhood was full of mom-enforced runs. It was the worse torture imaginable for an unathletic-stubborn-girl. She made us jog, and by that I mean the absolutely slowest run possible while still moving, for a whole entire half mile. At eleven I thought it was inhumane. Not that I ever actually ran the whole distance – as soon as I was out of sight, I walked. In love with running, I was not! But something about those mom-enforced runs must have worked, because my whole family runs now. One brother runs track in college, one sister runs with the cross-country team at a different college, and two more sisters run both track and cross-country in High School. A running family, well, except for me. I envied their natural athletic ability, long-legged strides, and the discipline it takes to just run.

I envied my siblings, whose running won them scholarships to college. I envy my Mom, who still runs at least three miles a day. Last summer, I was confined to bed with a particularly vicious and disgusting form of mono. And I envied my best friends who were able to run five miles a day while I was too weak to move from the couch. When I recovered, I decided that envy was overrated. If I wanted to be like all of them, I should. So I joined a running team, was handed a training schedule, and begin running every day. Three months after I begin running, I ran my first half-marathon.

The funny thing is – my new friends, those who have met me in 2008, actually think I am a runner. The thought makes me laugh. But, I guess it is true. I have the right runners clothes, I wear Asics that correct my under-pronation, I use (and understand) words like cross-train, carbo-loading, and fartlek ( I still giggle at that one). Of course the thing that really makes me a runner is that I hit the trails at least five days out of seven for a weekly mileage of thirty or so. I guess I am a runner. I guess I did it – I became that which I envied.

That’s the thing about envy. It only works as long as you don’t have it or haven’t become it yet. Envy can also show you who you really want to be. It can reveal what is most important to you. But envy also sets those people, those things that are envied, apart. Envy puts ordinary people, like runners, on a pedestal.

There are other people that I envy. I envy my mom’s prayer life. I envy my brother’s sold-out-to-Jesus lifestyle. I envy my best friend’s soul-shattering, life-changing quiet times. I envy the realness of my pastor’s faith. I want what they have. And I can continue just to want it, or I can become it. It’s not like they are anything special, they simply serve a very special God. It is not that they are more loveable, more useable, or way more talented. God uses those who surrender to His leadership. God uses those who surrender the reins and allow their life to be useable.

I want to pray unceasingly, in full faith, in accordance with God’s will – like my Mom does. I want to be fully surrendered to God, obedient in all things, passionately living the life He designed me to live – just like my little brother is. I want to meet God every time I open His Word, so cleansed of sin that I hear every Word that God speaks – just like my best friend. I want a faith that is real, relevant, true, and life-changing to everyone I encounter – like my pastor. I want their faith, their walk with the Lord, their obedience. This can be good envy. An envy that can be used by the Holy Spirit: if I allow Him to control the envy rather than the envy control Him.

If the envy controls The Holy Spirit:
I become bitter and resentful that God favors my friends and family more than He does me. I see our lack of relationship as God’s fault, or a flaw in how he made me, not my responsibility. I pull away from anyone who has a vibrant, intimate relationship with God. Eventually, I pull away from the church altogether. I still envy those who have a stronger faith, but I have given up hope of ever achieving that spiritual state of my own. The result is depression, anger, and the need to find something else to live for, so I turn to a self-centered life of sin.

If the Holy Spirit controls the envy:
He provides the power to become that which I envy. I realize that the only thing that sets my apart from them is that they are living each day in the victory of the cross, driven by the will of God, empowered by unending grace, and humbly being transformed by the Spirit of God. I realize that we serve the same God, who offers the same saving grace to all who will daily take up their cross and follow Him. I spend quality time with people who have the kind of faith I want. I learn from them and am inspired by their intimate relationship with Christ. My quest for a closer relationship with God leads me to spend hours in the Word, start and finish my day with prayer, and constantly seek the fellowship of believers. The result is a death of self and a transformation into a woman who exudes Jesus Christ.

Spiritual envy can be a great thing if it causes you to become what you envy.

Personally, I have come to the point in my Christian life where I can no longer fake it. No longer will I be satisfied to drift along in the average. I want the amazing. I refuse to meander in half-hearted religion. I want the miraculous. I will no longer wander in the wilderness of personal satisfaction. I will accept nothing less than total sacrifice. I will not settle for merely functional or competent Christianity. I want a soul-burning, heart-stopping, world-changing, love relationship with the God of all creation. I am done being a mediocre Christian. I want a life so Christ-like that when others imitate me, they become like my Lord. I want to become that which I envied. I want a life that is real, bold, Christ-like, forever. And that life starts now.

So I am turning off my computer and picking up my Bible for the remainder of the evening.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

“And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34

“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2